Assistant Principal - Pastoral Care

Open communication is important in any healthy relationship. This is particularly important in our relationship with our teenage children. As our young people grow and develop their independence it is integral for us as carers to adjust and develop this relationship while still having established boundaries. The way we communicate with them will need to change and discovering these new and different approaches to communicating effectively with one another will be a learning experience for you both. Effective communication with your teenager can help you both feel happier and more connected in your relationship, and more confident about having difficult conversations and resolving conflicts.

Sometimes communicating with teenagers can be tricky. The following tips might help you to keep the channels of communication open with your child:

• Make time and space to talk, get comfy, remove distractions such as phones, and have eye contact. These all signal that you are present, you want to listen, and you are ‘there for them’.
• You don't need to fix their problem or make them feel better; you just need to listen. Try not to judge what they are saying. Just nod and say things like, 'Ok', 'Ah ha', 'Yeah'. This will let them know that you're listening positively and will encourage them to keep talking.
• Be empathetic.
• Talk often. 

Here are some conversation starters for teens:

• 'Is there something that you'd like some help with?'
• 'Ok, I'm here for you, what's up?'
• If you have an inkling of what they want to talk about, introduce the topic like this,'I've noticed you seem a bit stressed, is there something worrying you?'

We all sometimes just need to ‘vent’, get stuff off our chests, whinge, complain, or let our family know we’ve had a bad day. We don’t need anyone to give us a solution or to ‘fix’ a problem; we just need someone to remind us that we are loved and supported. If you feel the urge to suggest a solution, to give them a lecture, or to try and solve their problem for them, try saying instead:

• 'That sounds tough, do you want help to find a solution or do you just need to get it off your chest?'
• 'How did that make you feel?'
• 'And then what happened?'

Allowing your child to talk through problems will give them an opportunity to use you as a sounding board. Unless they ask for your advice, encourage them to work through the problem themselves. This will help them take responsibility for their actions.

Learning how to talk so teens will listen starts with demonstrating empathy where you are able to put yourself in your child’s position and understand the situation from their point of view. Your child will keep coming to you to help them work through problems, and to talk about things, if you make it clear that you are on their side, even when they’ve made a mistake. You can do this by saying things like:

• 'I can see why you're so (frustrated, sad, annoyed).'
• 'How did you feel about that? Yeah I think I would have felt like that too.'
• 'Why do you think (the other person) did/said that?'

Take the opportunity to really check in with your child every day about the little things that are going on in their life. By remaining positively engaged in their life, it will be easier to have difficult conversations when the need arises. If your child can trust you to ‘be there for them’, to listen to, love and support them, then they are much more likely to see you as someone to turn to first when they need help in working through bigger problems. Your relationship will be built on trust and open, honest communication. Enjoy getting to know your child as the interesting and maturing person they are becoming.

Conflict is inevitable when people with different views live together so the occasional clash with your teenager is normal and to be expected. However, ongoing conflict can undermine the relationship between a parent and a young person.

Negative communication is a common cause of chronic conflict. Examples of negative communication include nagging, harsh criticism or ‘stand over’ tactics such as yelling to force compliance.

It’s not always easy to recognise negative communication. For example, well-meaning parents may criticise because they want their child to try harder. You are using negative communication if:

• The conversation rapidly deteriorates into nagging, yelling or fighting
• You feel angry, upset, rejected, blamed or unloved
• The issue under dispute doesn’t ever improve.

One aspect we need to be conscious of when communicating with our young people is that as carers we are hearing their version of what has transpired and not necessarily all the facts. It is an age-old problem that will most likely never change. Ultimately our children don’t want to disappoint us and we want to be proud of them. The truth is we all make mistakes and don’t always make the best decisions but we also learn from this. It is paramount that our children know that we are always here for them and they will always be loved and supported.

(This advice comes courtesy of Reachout Parents. Further information can be found at this site)

After School Detention

For the past 3 months the College has trailed the practice of automatically placing students who fail to attend their scheduled lunchtime on an after school detention. Throughout this time there have been a number of genuine cases where students have simply forgotten to attend. In future, students will be given “one day’s grace” to complete their detention. Should a student fail to complete the detention on the second day they will be placed on the next after school detention.
This change has been made for genuine cases only and students who are found to abuse the change will have the privilege removed.

Until next time: